i cannot believe what just happened, but i have to accept it. when me and yara were sitting in front door, talking about going to swim tomorrow, when we were kidding Brendan would never get close to the road, it was just so sudden that we heard that "bang", till now i cannot believe i heard that, it was Brendan. I cannot believe my eyes until i got close to the road, and i cannot help to yielded at the cars came up to ask them to change the lane! but i know Brendan already got hit by the car, whatever that car is, he just hit Brendan. i ran into the road and grab him back, i remember i could feel his warm and breath when i grabbed him, at that moment i was sure he just need doctor! he was not even bleeding, just being wake and looked at me, i was so panic, i didnt know what to do, yara said he is dead, also Darlene said so, i dont know how they can tell without even tough the little cat, again i cannot believe i heard that "bang". we tried 411, tried everything, i didnt believe he was died when Darlene said he was! i kinda hate anybody told me this, cause i can still feel his warmth, i just cannot believe what had happened, after i talked a lot more often with Simon about him today, about Brenda is not aggressive with me compare to with other person, he feels comfortable with me and he always tried to get my attention,etc., after Simon said there are 2 opportunities that his family would take over the cat if yara dont want him anymore; after the fact that right early tonight, he was following me everywhere getting around my feet and being sweet....i feel so hurt when i realize not anymore that he would come into my room, jump onto my bed and quitely laydown besides me, not anymore that he would beg me for food, not anymore that he would try to leak me in the face, not anymore he would step on my stomach to feel the comfort, not anymore he would suddenly go crazy and play with my stuff, not anymore when i call him brendan he would come along with me, not anymore he would crazily run upstairs when i step upstairs, not anymore he would try to get the fly, .....

every result has its cause, like a dream, you will finally find out all roots come from yourself....long time ago....

I took the walk to the park after arriving home today, its a weekend full of surprises. Its even more funny when I think of this morning I didnt plan to go to the church but accidently Jess got up late, we planed to leave early but stopped by the rains, the guess which skated over my mind quickly,etc., but, does it still matter? There are cars coming towards me through the thin lane of the park, I was taking risks of guessing, and unaccidentally disappointed...I went inside of the deepest part of the park, in dark, it was nice, still unaccidentally nice...I still believe there are some words are supposed to be dead into the body instead of being let out, people feel good when they let out but cares little what the words weight to others...I spent 1 hour walking back home, and told myself it was all coincidence, unaccidentally....it was just my reaction took me by surprise...I admit I suddenly had no idea what I should feel at the very moment...Fortunately there was no train available back to wilmington today, so I can spend 2 hours to wait for the bus and ease myself, I went to a cafe, sat besides the window, cried quietly a bit, surprised the old lady sit towards me who was having her second spoon of vanilla ice cream, tried to call friends I could talk to without worry, failed, then unaccidentally take the bus back to wilmington...